It’s always been like this. It’s always been – it’s always been hard to get my thoughts out. It doesn’t always come out right. It doesn’t always sound the way I want it to, and my meaning doesn’t always get across. When the stars align, and the my vision of the future comes fully into fruition, I can say some pretty good stuff. But that’s the problem, isn’t it? Getting the stars to align; getting yourself to be able to stand up to the lofty expectations that you set for yourself.
“The voice.” He called me. Because that’s what I was. Some shrill voice popping up out of nowhere, answering some random question. I think they all read me like a book. They knew myself better than I did. They knew how kids like me turn out – cynical and silent, whimpering a response every once in a while, but only when forced to. Only when the world demands it from them.
I’ve been trying to go against everything that I once was. I used to be a guy who didn’t understand how to carry the one over in multiplication. I used to be the guy who cried at a hint of confrontation. I used to be shit at hiding my feelings. I used to have crushes. I used to try to hang out with “the cool kids.” I used to be…
Shitty. Really shitty, in hindsight. And I want to move away from that. I want to move away from pseudo-maturity and negative views on life. I want to be fine with who I am; to be satisfied with myself.
Elitism shuts your mind off. Fear leads to failure. Taking the lead is never a bad thing. There are better leaders. There are better people. There is no reason to be jealous. There is no reason to work off of someone else’s time constraints.
There is no need to be upset. There is no need to cry. For a suburban middle-class boy like me, there’s nothing to fear. The only demons I battle are the ones that tell me to keep playing video games. The closest I get to death is slipping in the shower.
There’s friendliness if you bother to look for it. There’s diversity if you bother to look for it. There’s love – if you bother to go look for it. The need to bother is decided by yourself. There’s no magical force that’ll push you to your future spouse. There’s no predetermined path for you to go. There’s only your body, and your willpower. But those can be changed, too. You can choose to stop at any time, but you know how much you’ll regret it after.
Regret is the most powerful tool I have right now. The only thing that prevents me from killing myself at any given point is how much I’d hate to see a photo reel of “what could’ve been” after I die. Maybe, if I live on, something’s gonna change. Maybe, I’m gonna be able to change something. Maybe.
I have to. I have to, or else my regret’s going to consume my anger.