You ever heard of the term “contrarian” before? Usually, it’s something attributed to the types of guys that go on 4Chan. It means that you like to go against common beliefs and opinions. It means that whatever “the media” supports, you dislike. It’s not an irrational hatred (although it can be), but rather a suspicion of the “mainstream” of thought.
Though, I’m playing it up to be something a lot grander than it is. All the examples of this “contrarian” philosophy will just be anonymous teenagers arguing about their own subjective tastes of anime.
It’s all just elitism. Thinking that your own opinion is better than someone else’s. But even if their opinion might’ve been the same – you have to be a special snowflake, so you decide to root for the other team. The minority. The less mainstream opinion.
I’m like that with this idea of “introversion.”
It’s like you’re trying to make a “generic action movie” that tries to subvert all the tropes. Like you’re trying to make a caricature of something. You point out everything that’s wrong with the “regular version” of yourself, and go against it. You figure out your basic personality, and you try to become “self-aware.”
A lot of self-proclaimed “anime connoisseurs” keep using this word to describe some anime: “deconstruction.” Yes, a “deconstruction of the genre.” Something like Evangelion – showing off a flawed protagonist, and flawed stereotypes. A “deconstruction” of the Mecha genre. Something that points out the tropes, and dismantles them, building something new and unique in its stead.
Now try to personify that idea. Imagine a person who doesn’t like social interaction, but goes out of the way to be as rambunctious as possible – but only when situations force themselves to come up. Active, but only when he needs to. Wears everything that’s in fashion, but never bothers to introduce himself. Never goes beyond the tried-and-tested circle of friends. Never speaks quietly, but never speaks.
It’s not better one way or the other, I tell myself.
Is there a right way to be lonely?
Apparently, I’ve found myself the “right way.” I’ve found myself keeping up on streetwear trends, and following new hip hop releases – I’ve found myself changing the pop music station to the french music station whenever the car defaults to it. I’ve found hobbies through communities online. I’ve created new hobbies. New likes. New tastes. New music. New art.
I’ve found a great deal of support – I’ve been welcomed unceremoniously. Video games, music, fashion, anime, art – whatever. And I don’t have to say anything. I don’t have to type anything out. I don’t have to communicate.
Communities are inherently designed for communication, but I’m just a lurker.
You’re supposed to meet other students in your class, but I’ve stopped bothering since freshman year. I’ve stopped bothering to be the one who introduces themselves. I think “If they aren’t interested enough in me right now, then why would be interested later on?” But the whole point is that you’re supposed to get to know each other.
I never bothered to get to know 2/3rds of these guys. I’m just a lurker. And my narcissism makes me believe that I’m better than them.