“In all seriousness”

what
I’m an asshole. I know. But I really hate seeing this phrase. I also hate when people make titles that start with “So.” It feels like I’m getting angry at nothing when I try to explain it to someone, but getting angry at nothing is kind of my shtick.

Saying “In all seriousness,” or “Seriously,” disregards your previous words. Which isn’t that bad. You’re moving on to a “serious” point, and you don’t want anyone to think that you were writing anything but satire up to that point. That’s fine, I guess.

Actually, no it isn’t. I’m pissed off for a reason. It’s because you’re making it so obvious that you’re switching focus. It’s because you’re being so lazy about it. One word. Seriously? You’re writing for the lowest common denominator. You’re treating the reader as if they were a middle schooler. You’re using the same inflections as a middle schooler.

“Seriously, guys?”

“Seriously?”

OK, seriously? I mean, come on, guys!

Maybe I grew up in a bad environment or something, but for some reason, hearing those phrases really ticks me off. It’s not like I haven’t used it before. It’s just annoying. It’s like seeing your dumb pictures in the past, and cringing at your own silliness. You get embarrassed about the “phases” that you were in. You’ve grown out of most of them, but you can’t help yourself from clenching your chest in secondhand embarrassment. Everything is a little more absurd in hindsight.

But when people don’t “grow out” of things, it gets even more absurd than before. It’s like seeing someone suddenly bring up a super-old joke. It’s not funny anymore; try a different approach.

“Seriously.”

Seriously, this is how I feel – ugh.

It’s too uncomfortable. It’s like I’m trying to speak in a valley-girl voice. It’s like I’m pretending to be the most annoying caricature of a teenager that I can think of. Seriously. Seriously. Seriously.

It’s not some niche thing, either. I’d be fine if it were a few isolated incidents.

But, man, you see this shit everywhere. Everyone in the forums is using this word. It’s so annoying. It’s so – it’s just – I can’t actually describe it. I’m just uncomfortable when I see it. I don’t physically react, but my heart falls a little bit. I swirl my tongue around my mouth. Then I move to to look at what else they write.

I can get over it. But it’s something that grates me the wrong way. I feel like Parmesan. A triangular block of Parmesan. Someone’s just rubbing me with a nail filter. I’m going “That’s not how you do that shit, you fucking idiot.” I want to tell them that there’s a cheese grater that you can use for this type of job. I want to scream, but I have no mouth. I’m just a block of fucking cheese. I’m voiceless.

I have no “real” concern to voice, beyond saying: “I don’t like that you use the word “seriously.” I think you’re weakening the term when you’re bringing it up so much.

I don’t comment on things, anyways. I can’t argue with them, even if I’m feeling particularly irritable. I’ve chosen to abstain from commenting. All I can do is watch. I can watch them insert useless words that point towards nowhere, and I can watch them ramble on about pointless bullshit that only serves to get them to exercise their fingers every once in a while. I can only watch as they fulfill their self-indulgent fantasies of getting attention on the internet.

You know what, I’d better stop now, before I get ousted as a hypocrite.

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