When they’re even quieter than you are, there’s an unspoken obligation to take the lead

candafren
It’s easier to pick on someone if they’re even quieter than you are. It’s easier to pick fights if you know they can’t fight back. I’m the “bully.” I’m the aggressor. I’m teasing them. I’m asking for their input. I’m trying to include them in conversations.

So help me God, let these silent heathens cooperate with me.

It feels like I’m ramming reality down their throats. I’m joking with them. I’m asking about their interests. I’m cracking self-deprecating jokes, and I’m asking questions about what they think. I’m trying. So help me, oh God – take these directionless travelers under your wings, and show them the path, for I am powerless.

Let the moonlight be your guide, for the sun was “too harsh” for your fragile visage. Or was it your fragile sense of self-worth? Let the shadows mend your broken souls, for the light did not accept you in their heavenly grace. Or maybe you just didn’t bother. Let the forces of midnight accompany you, for the forces of dawn chose not to bless you on this day. Maybe because you’re so hopelessly boring to talk to. I feel bad for the forces of midnight.

Your words are music to my ears. So play, and seduce me with your enchanted instrument. I want you to try – just one sound – something, anything. You don’t have to change the world – all you have to change is your breath. Take one, and sigh out something louder than a whisper. Cast your worries away – I am here. I am listening.

So help me God, speak up.

Spread your wings. Just for today. I’ll watch you. I’ll hold you. Float freely, and let the faceless crowd below not bother you. If you take flight, you’ll see beauty beyond your wildest imaginations. A single breath is all it’ll take. A breath, and I’ll stick by your side forever. You can hang me at a finger’s-length away – there is no shame in abandonment.

Down here, I’m in a constant state of waiting. I’ve been standing here for two hours, watching my reflection fade against the looming curtains of dusk. I’m still waiting.

If you care about me – nay – if you care about anything at all – speak!

So help me God, if you could do the opposite of shutting the fuck up.

Do you know how pissed off I am right now? How we all are? You probably do. You probably know everything that I’m feeling right now. You’re perceptive, aren’t you? You can tell what someone’s thinking – you just choose to not do anything with that knowledge.

“I like watching people do things more than I like doing things myself. Yes, that’s me. Look down on me all you want.”

Gosh, what an insufferable asshole you are. If you could only – fuck, just say anything. Say a slur. It really doesn’t fucking matter. You know how much effort it’ll take you? One sentence. One fragment of a fucking sentence, but you can’t even do that. All you can do is say “umm” now and then or shake your head, smiling that stupid smile.

Do you think I’m different than you? Do you think I’m a “normie” too? Do you think I enjoy talking with other people? Do you think that I actually know what to do in life? Do you think I don’t understand you? That I’ve “never known depression?” That I’m just an “outsider” to your world?

“I’m thinking.”

Motherfucker.

“I hope you think a little faster, because we’re all slowly dying here. It’s on you.”

Yeah, I’m insensitive. But only because I see myself in you. Only because I’m exactly like you. I think exactly like you do. I’m just trying to break the cycle. So help me God, cooperate.

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