I can’t actually deal with life

Not completely, anyways. I’m fine with the happy stuff. I’m fine with gore. I’m fine with crime. Death, poverty, starvation – whatever. They’re foreign to me. They’re just statistics and concepts – nothing that a sheltered, middle-class teenager would be affected by. I’m just a well-adjusted member of society – don’t mind me!

I try to fool myself. I believe in the American dream. I try to believe in my own naivety.  I don’t think of any real problems. I think about how I’m going to look the next day, I think about what my peers are going to think of me, and I think about what the new Toyota Supra’s going to look like.

I don’t bother looking into things. I can stomach a few gore posts, and I can appreciate my own mortality.

But there’s actual issues, you know. I just don’t think about them – or, at least, I try to forget about them.

Asian masculinity. Asians in Hollywood. Asians in america. That’s a sore topic for me. Racism that actually affects me – racism besides police brutality. A little more insidious than riots and mob violence. Something a little more subdued, and something all the more real to me.

Have you ever really thought about “interracial?” I haven’t. It’s just another tag for sorting videos. But then I saw this term: “hapas.” Half-Asian, half-white. And then I saw all the complaining. All these abbreviations. Slurs. “Yellow fever.” And all the “plights of an Asian man in America.”

I’d like to think of myself to be pretty liberal. I don’t want to think of myself as racist. I’m fine with gay marriage. I think freedom should be given to everyone. I think that people are innocent until proven guilty.

I’m not a “man” yet, strictly speaking. I’m still in highschool. I can’t drink alcohol yet. I can drive, but I haven’t gotten my license. I haven’t dated anyone. I’m a virgin. I don’t have a job. I’m living with my parents.

Are there enough Asian role models? Do Asian males occupy a lower rung?

I can’t talk to my friends about this, because they probably haven’t even seen this shit yet. I don’t even want them to see this. It’s weird. It’s too mundane to be anything special. It’s not some big revelation. But it’s a thought. And it’s been brewing in my mind for a while now.

When I try to imagine the look of an English singer, I immediately think “white, brown hair.” Male or female, doesn’t matter. Is that right? I’ve still got the “Asian accent” in my head somewhere, haven’t I?

I’m not brainwashed, right? I still think of dudes as equals. I judge them a little differently, but – hang on, that makes them… not equals.

Am I being judged harsher? I have different expectations on me, right? Am I still a minority? Am I “just another drop of water in the tide?” Overpopulation isn’t a thing, right? It’s fine to assume accents, right?

Is it fine to judge someone’s work with their appearance in mind?

Can I really achieve the American dream?



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