Alone in obsession

leo-li-og
If you’re always alone like me, you’ll have asked yourself why you were alone in the first place.

“Because I chose to be.”

That could be a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it’s more comfortable to be alone. Maybe everybody else is out watching a movie.

For me, it’s usually because I can’t really share too much with anyone else. I just play video games with them. That’s it. That’s all we do. When we’re talking in real life, we just talk about video games. Just video games.

“Do you listen to music?”

“No.”

“Really? Come on, give it a shot. Just one listen.”

“Alright.”

I send them a link. In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. It’s always In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. Every time. The most basic, “pretty good” non-mainstream album that I can find. At least, that’s what my good friends on the internet music boards tell me.

And every single time, I get the same response.

“Did you listen to it?”

“Oh, haven’t gotten around to it. It’s pretty long!”

“Ok. Tell me when you’ve listened to it!”

Five months later, nothing happens. They probably didn’t listen to it, I think to myself. I don’t push the point any further, and I pretty much forget about it, just like them. That’s what they’d want me to do, anyways. I don’t treat them any differently.

And there’s the problem. I don’t treat them any differently. Maybe a few waves in the hall here and there, and an audible “Hi” if I’m feeling frisky. But no more. No different than another stranger. You’ll exchange pleasantries, but you’ll never truly get to the depth that a “real” relationship hints towards. You’re just… there. The same goes for them. They’re there, too. And you get along just fine. But you’re separate, in a way. Not quite there, you tell yourself.

Or maybe I tell myself. Maybe it’s just me giving up too easily. People are different, you know. There’s a lot of different people in this world, and there’s a lot of chances for them to like the same things you like! A motivational fairy might say.

Fuck that. If they’re not trying, I’m not trying either.

Kidding. If I was like that, how would I get anywhere?

Well, actually, I’d probably be in the same position that I am right now, typing this out and doing… “nothing much.” I’d probably still be huddled up in my room, glancing at the time, and clacking away at my mechanical keyboard as I intermittently go and check some internet boards and browse images on my 1440p monitor at 144hz. Maybe a few scoffs. Mostly just blank stares, now that I’ve already seen most of the jokes.

That’s just what I do. This is what I do. Like a hermit crab who’s stopped growing; a hermit crab who’s found his perfect fit. This is my shell.

I don’t say stuff like this out loud, though, because it makes me sound like an asshole. An asshole who’s gotten a few too many encouraging remarks on his amateur poetry. Man, but it still feels good to type this out. I can be as whiny as I’d like, and I won’t have to suffer any of the consequences.

Speaking of consequences, I’ve made all of my friends off of video games. You know this already. I only talk to people who play the same video games that I do. As such, most of my friends don’t really have vested interests in much else besides those few video games. They don’t draw. They don’t discover new music willingly. They don’t play an instrument. They don’t have any interest in fashion besides a few guys who are into sneakers. They don’t write. They don’t program. They don’t collect hot wheels. They don’t have any further interest in cars beyond exotics and corollas. And they don’t like to talk about the video game industry. They just like to play video games.

I’m acting superior. I’m sure they like a lot of things, I just never bothered to ask them.

But they never bother to tell me.

I never bother to tell them.

It’s an unspoken rule.

They’re OK with it.

I guess I am too.

But I don’t want to be OK with this. I don’t want to be OK with having known more about their online alias than their birth names. I don’t want conversations to regress into “so, any new games recently?” I don’t want to talk into a vacuum. I don’t want to talk to a brick wall. I don’t want to talk to a tape recorder. I just want to talk to somebody who’s interested in the same things I do, and who’s obsessed with the same things I’m obsessed with.

I just want a real conversation. I just want a real friend. I just don’t want to be alone.

And I’m selfish, and I’m needy, and I’m a hypocrite, and I’m an asshole for not seeing these guys for who they are outside of school. I’m the one that needs to take the initiative, I’m the one that needs to…

I’ve tried. I failed. There’s going to be something better if I keep looking, but… I just can’t be bothered. Because I’m not interested in anything else. They don’t draw. They don’t program. They don’t write. They don’t look at cars. They don’t listen to the same music. They don’t wear the same clothes. They don’t browse the same forums. They don’t garden. They don’t cook.

They just work. And they play sports. And they go to school. And some of them have girlfriends. Oh, and video games. Don’t forget video games.

That’s all I see. That’s all they are to me. I’m sure they’re more, but they don’t show it. They are robots to me. Maybe I am robots to them. That thought makes me more entertained than talking to them.

I don’t know what to say, really. 2D>3D? Am I really that bad? Am I really that big of an asshole? I have to appreciate something my friends do, right? Something beyond the video games?

Well, there’s this one guy who keeps bringing up “have you watched any new anime recently”, but he’s kind of annoy –

Shit. I stopped him, didn’t I? I prevented him from sharing. I told him that I sometimes watched it, and then he thought he could share with me. I didn’t let him.

But, you know, he actually talks to other people, so whatever. He has friends. He doesn’t “need” me. You know, actually, I did recommend this manga to him, but it actually turned out to be just like In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, what with the ‘haven’t gotten around to it’ and –

You know what, I don’t think anybody cares anyways. If they really did, they’d be looking all over the place for somebody to be their friend.

Maybe I just haven’t advertised myself correctly. Am I the problem?

No, no, of course not. It’s just the others. They’re wrong. I’m right. I’m the only one. I’m the special snowflake. I’m the loner. I’m the…

I’m the most detrimental person to my wellbeing.

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